I surrender. I’m now a liberal. My first act as a
left-winger will be to propose new legislation. I submit the following for the
approval of my new peers… When a woman gets married, the husband should have to quit
his job. Now I know this may sound crazy, but bear with me. I think that by introducing
this law we can cure many of the problems that we
Democrats want to correct. After all, is this any crazier than providing
guns to Mexican gangs on the border?
First, this will dramatically shrink unemployment. After all,
someone who is not allowed to work cannot be counted as unemployed. Just like
we currently do not count students, the hospitalized, and the institutionalized
(as well as underemployed people and those who have just given up looking), we
could once again deceptively skew the unemployment numbers to make it look as
if we Democrats are actually doing something. I think this may actually get us
under that 8% unemployment mark we still haven’t seen, despite paying $787
billion to stay below it in 2009.
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| Ken (in green), a newlywed, was excited about getting his homeowner's association "Men's Auxiliary" uniform. |
Second, we’ll defeat the conservatives in their war on women
(that we invented). Women will not only all have jobs, but will move up in the
ranks as we force out all of those bastards with penises. Now we could make
the men raise the children, but I think it’s far better that we continue to
promote free contraception and abortion. Instead, we’ll make all males start
gardens. This will offset the (nonexistent)
food deserts, promote healthy eating (so FLOTUS can get back to her French
fries and ribs), AND counter the deadly CO2
greenhouse gas that men make every time they exhale (those testosterone laden S.O.B.s).
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| Get married, ya bum! |
Third, we can strike a blow against the sexist institution of
marriage, since this will probably make all of those damn heterosexual males
think twice before enslaving a woman for their own personal sexual gratification. If they don’t get married, we’ll also be keeping “God” out of a lot of
these relationships. Take that you crazy religious extremists! Sanctity of marriage my butt! The beauty of
this plan? It won’t affect gay and lesbian couples. It’s sort of like
affirmative action for same-sex couples! As a liberal, I love affirmative
action (as long as it does not protect whites, men, or especially white men!).
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| The stupidest man ever... whose foresight allowed him to thwart the best efforts of the smartest man who has ever lived (according to MSLSD) |
So there you have it. We can solve unemployment, win the war
on women, feed the poor, end obesity, stop global warming, negate DOMA, and weaken religious institutions all by making men stay home. Hey, this liberal
thinking is awesome! All I need now is a new government agency, a metric
buttload of money (I can borrow that from China), and a reason why it’s Bush’s
fault it’s not working! Next, I plan to work on a way to save the endangered
Canadian wood bison in Alaska by killing rich people!
Disclaimer: This is a joke. I am still a conservative. The
only good that would come from the above plan would be the requirement to remove the
sitting president... assuming of course we can find any official record of his marriage.
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